7 Painful Truths About Marriage That You Think You Know
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In human relationships, marriage stands as a complex and intricate construct. It's a journey that promises companionship, love, and shared dreams, yet it's strewn with realities that can be hard to digest.
Painful Truths About Marriage That You Think You Know
Here, we explore the seven painful truths about marriage that often remain unspoken, yet are integral to this profound institution.
1. Marriage is Hard Work
Marriage is not a fairy tale. It's a ceaseless endeavor, a constant effort to understand, adjust, and grow together.
Winston Churchill, the indomitable British Prime Minister, and his wife, Clementine, were married for more than half a century. Their relationship was a testament to the hard work that marriage demands. They weathered many storms together, including the tumultuous years of World War II.
Their correspondence, filled with affectionate nicknames and tender words, reveals a deep bond of love and respect. But it also reveals the strains that their marriage endured.
Churchill's demanding career often kept him away from home, leaving Clementine to manage their domestic life and their children. She was his confidante and advisor, but she also had her own interests and pursuits, which were often overshadowed by her husband's public life.
Their letters reveal moments of misunderstanding and frustration, as well as their efforts to bridge their differences and maintain their bond.
Clementine once wrote to Winston, "My darling, I hope you will forgive me if I tell you something that I feel you ought to know...One of the men in your entourage (a devoted friend) has been to me & told me that there is a danger of your being generally disliked by your colleagues & subordinates because of your rough, sarcastic & overbearing manner."
This letter, while a painful truth to deliver, underscores the importance of open communication in marriage. It was a testament to their relationship that Clementine could express her concerns so honestly, and that Churchill could receive them with grace.
He responded, "You are right, my darling, I must change my ways."
This exchange between Winston and Clementine Churchill illustrates the hard work that marriage requires. It's about communication, understanding, and a willingness to change and adapt for the sake of the relationship. It's about facing the painful truths together, and coming out stronger on the other side.
2. You Won't Always Feel "In Love"
The intoxicating rush of love that marks the beginning of most relationships tends to ebb over time.
“You could not step twice into the same river. ”
This holds true for love in marriage. It changes, matures, and sometimes, it might even feel like it's disappeared. But it's there, transformed into a deeper, more profound connection.
Many couples experience such an evolution in their feelings. The initial passion, marked by an intense longing and attraction, gradually gives way to a more stable, less exhilarating sense of love. This is often termed as companionate love, a deep affection characterized by mutual understanding and emotional intimacy.
Scientifically, this transition can be explained by the changes in our brain chemistry. During the initial phase of a relationship, our brain releases a cocktail of chemicals, including dopamine and oxytocin, which make us feel euphoric and deeply attached to our partner. However, as the relationship matures, the levels of these chemicals drop, leading to a less intense, but more stable feeling of love.
Painful Truth About Marriage Is That You Will Not Always Feel In Love
This transition, however, can be disconcerting. Many mistake the waning of passion as falling out of love and start questioning their relationship. It's important to understand that this is a natural progression, a sign of a maturing relationship. The key lies in recognizing this change and finding joy in the deep bond and shared companionship that replaces the initial passion.
In the end, love in marriage is like a river, constantly changing, flowing through different seasons. There will be times when the river runs high with passion, times when it slows down to a gentle flow of companionship.
3. Conflict is Inevitable
No two individuals are the same, and when they come together in marriage, disagreements are inevitable. The key lies in managing these conflicts.
The famous Gottman studies on marriage indicate that it's not the presence of conflict that predicts divorce, but how it's handled. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and the lead on the studies identified four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.
These are known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they often gallop into the arena of marital conflict.
Criticism
Criticizing your partner is different from voicing a complaint or offering a critique. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas criticism is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. It is an ad hominem attack that dismantles their whole being.
For instance, a complaint might be, “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
A criticism, on the other hand, might be, “You never think about how your behaviour is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”
Contempt
The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate with contempt, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.
Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
For example, “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”
Defensiveness
It is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.
For instance, a defensive response to the question, “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?” might be, “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
Stonewalling
The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner.
Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.
A Painful Truth About Marriage Is Conflict Resolution
In the end, it is not the presence of these horsemen that spells doom for a marriage, but the inability to address them effectively. Recognizing these patterns of communication and learning how to counteract them with healthy, productive ones is the key to managing conflict in a marriage.
4. You Can't Change Your Partner
The desire to change one's partner is a common theme in many relationships, especially marriages. It's a desire born out of love, out of the wish to see the best version of the person you've chosen to spend your life with. However, this desire, no matter how well-intentioned, is a Sisyphean task, one that's destined to fail and cause frustration and resentment.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, attempts to change one's partner are likely to fail and can even be harmful to the relationship. The study found that people tend to resist behavioral change when it's imposed on them and that such attempts can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction.
“The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed.”
This statement holds profound wisdom. The conflicts arising from the desire to change one's partner, when overcome, can lead to a deeper understanding and acceptance of each other. It's not the eradication of differences that strengthens a marriage, but the acceptance of them.
5. Marriage Doesn't Guarantee Happiness
Marriage is not a panacea for all personal woes. It's a partnership, not a pathway to personal happiness. This is not a cynical perspective, but a reality backed by extensive research.
A meta-analysis of 18 long-term studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explored the correlation between marriage and happiness. The findings were illuminating.
The studies followed individuals over the course of their adult lives, tracking their happiness or satisfaction levels as they experienced various life events, including marriage. The results showed that while there was an initial increase in life satisfaction around the time of the wedding, this effect was short-lived.
Over time, participants returned to feeling as satisfied or unsatisfied as they were before they got married.
This is not to say that marriage can't bring happiness. It can, and it does for many. But it's essential to understand that it's not a one-size-fits-all solution to personal happiness. The happiness derived from marriage is often intertwined with other factors such as personal growth, mutual understanding, and shared experiences.
In the end, marriage can bring joy, but it's not a guarantee for happiness.
6. You Will Have to Compromise
Marriage is a dance of compromise. It's about balancing individual needs with shared goals. It's about giving and taking, about understanding when to stand firm and when to let go.
“To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.”
Consider the story of the legendary American presidents, John and Abigail Adams. Their correspondence, preserved over the years, provides a fascinating insight into their relationship, one that was marked by mutual respect, understanding, and compromise.
Despite their differing views on various issues, they found common ground through open communication and compromise. Their relationship was not without its challenges, but their willingness to compromise played a crucial role in their enduring marriage.
In the realm of science, the concept of compromise in relationships has been extensively studied. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, has identified compromise as one of the key elements of successful marriages. In his research, he found that couples who are willing to make sacrifices for the sake of their relationship tend to have more satisfying and long-lasting marriages.
However, compromise in marriage is not about losing oneself or one's identity. It's about finding a balance, a middle ground that respects and values the needs and desires of both partners. It's about navigating the complex dance of love and commitment, where each step, each move, is a testament to the shared journey of two individuals.
7. Marriage Can't Fix Pre-existing Issues
The belief that marriage can serve as a panacea for deep-seated personal issues is a myth that has been perpetuated through the ages. The reality, however, is far from this. Marriage, in its essence, is a mirror that reflects our virtues and vices, our strengths and weaknesses. It does not have the power to erase or mend our pre-existing issues; instead, it often amplifies them.
Consider the story of Ernest Hemingway and his four marriages. Hemingway, one of the most celebrated authors of the 20th century, was a man plagued by personal demons. He battled mental health issues, alcoholism, and the haunting memories of war.
Each of his marriages was an attempt to escape these issues, to find solace in the companionship of his wives. But the issues persisted, casting a shadow over his relationships and leading to the eventual dissolution of his marriages.
This narrative is not unique to Hemingway. It is a tale repeated in the lives of many who enter into marriage hoping it will resolve their personal issues. But the truth remains that these issues, whether they are related to mental health, self-esteem, or past traumas, need to be addressed at an individual level. They require introspection, professional help, and a personal commitment to healing and growth.
The renowned psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, once said, "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
Marriage can indeed be transformative, but it cannot fix what is broken within us. It can provide support, love, and a safe space for growth, but the work of resolving pre-existing issues falls upon us.
Conclusion
In the end, marriage is a journey, a shared adventure filled with triumphs, trials, and transformations. It's a dance of love and conflict, of change and acceptance, of joy and sorrow. It's a journey worth embarking upon, with all its painful truths and beautiful revelations.
